Positive vibes only. When did we start saying that? When did we stop allowing ourselves to feel negativity? A few months ago I saw the phrase No Bad Days and it triggered me. Everybody has bad days. Are we fostering a toxic culture by continuously pushing positive vibes onto people? I mean, I am all for positivity and I believe that a healthy mindset and positive thinking can be the difference in a person’s journey in life but I don’t think it’s healthy to minimize or invalidate basic human emotions like sadness, fear or anger.
I posted some pretty vulnerable pictures and videos, kinda like a digital journal, on my story the other day. A friend messaged me and said all the “positive” things but then she got real, like… “wow does this suck! We are in shock that this is happening to you and your family.” I appreciated her honesty, her humour and her realness SO much. I am a positive person and believe that positive thoughts are SO important but this was the first time someone just said it. It was so refreshing.
Yes to all of it. Yes this sucks. Yes I’m in shock too. I really can’t believe how much my life has changed in such a short amount of time. I hate that my future is so unsure. Besides sleeping all the time, and the numbness on my entire left side, and the nerve pain radiating from my fingertips all the way up my arm… This has been the hardest thing for me to mentally deal with. I am a planner and not being able to plan for things makes me angry. Anger makes me overheat. Overheating makes my symptoms worse. It’s a terrible circle that I need to figure out.
Over this past week I have, I think, hopefully, started coming down on the other side of this flareup. Up until this week I had had OK days but never 2 in a row. I really don’t like using the word good right now because no day is a good day right now. Every day feels like I’m in a foreign body. It doesn’t feel like me anymore. That feeling is a lot to wrap my brain around. However, this week I feel like I had 3 days in a row that were better than most of my days in the past 6 weeks! This is a win 😁!
One day I had a bit of energy so I suggested to Ninja that we go to the furniture store and look for a pull out couch. I still hope that when Covid is a thing in the past 😆 and that we will have visitors again. I thought this was a good first step because I could sit down on the couch that we were looking at 😂. We were driving down Main Street and I looked around and it hit me, the last time I had been out (besides Dr appointments), I was Christmas shopping! That seems so bizarre to me! It doesn’t feel like 7 weeks since I felt myself. The fact that it’s the middle of February, is completely bonkers! It’s like I’ve been on the sidelines of my life, watching it through sleepy lidded eyes.
The next day I had energy again so we went for a walk. It was the first time I have taken the dog for a walk! It wasn’t a long walk or a hard one but when we got home, I slept for the next 2 hours. You would think that this would make me happy but it actually terrified me. If a 20 minute walk exhausted me… How will I hike with my kids? How will I work? It’s not like I have a desk job lol how will I be able to take my kids to Disneyland and go hard for the entire day? How will I be able to manage a fast pace stressful dance competition season? The uncertainty is very hard for me. I’m not sure what permanent damage will be done. When I spoke with a woman from the MS Society the other day she assured me that once this flareup is over and I have some recovery time, I will feel like myself again. Maybe I will have some permanent damage that I will have to learn to live with but my hope is that I don’t feel like I do right now.
The day after my 3 “good“ days was awful. I didn’t sleep well, I had a fever, my eyesight was so blurry I couldn’t see anything, my head hurt, my hand was having spasms, and the numbness went from my shoulder all the way down to my toes on my left side and even my right hand was bothering me! These were symptoms that I had weeks ago that I had hoped were over. It felt like a major step back and for the first time since the day I found out that I had MS, I cried. Ninja was there to rub my back and encourage me using real talk. That’s so important. Positivity is great and I truly appreciate everyone’s continued love, support and positivity! However, we need to be real about this. This is a disease that is never going away. I have to learn how to manage it for the rest of my life. Yes the treatment will hopefully extend my remittance time but I will relapse.
Sunday was a relapse within my flareup. I’m so happy Ninja was there to talk me through it, give me the love I needed to take a deep breath and remember everything that I have in my life to be grateful for. I am so lucky. Happy Valentine’s Day Ninja. I love you 💓.
Check out How Was Your Week, Honey? Episode #263: Valentine’s Games HERE! This week, we get together for Valentine’s Day to have some ❤️ fun. Topics: nick names, The Barking Parrot, curling, Olympics, hockey update, famous couples, compatibility test, & dancing.
Ninja is getting so good at making dinners! We have a pretty good system, I look for recipes that don’t take too much time and aren’t too hard to make and he kills them! He has actually been shocked at how easy it is to make some of these meals that taste and look like gourmet meals!
On Sunday Ninja made this absolutely delicious soup that is so creamy you would think he used cream, but he didn’t! This is a soup that is light on calories but BIG in flavour! The Girls licked their bowls and I went for seconds! This will easily enter our weekday rotation! Side note, something I mentioned to Ninja (after we ate lol) and is a great tip for everyone, you always want to make your dishes colourful. If the dish already calls for carrots, don’t use an orange pepper, try yellow or red!
Adapted from Foodie Crush
1 tablespoon oil
1 ring kielbasa sausage, cut into 1-inch slices
1 cup onion, chopped
1 cup bell pepper, chopped
1 cup carrot, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 cup flour
4 cups milk
6 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1/2 teaspoon ground thyme
1 can cannellini beans, rinsed and drained
1 can kidney beans, rinsed and drained
Sprinkle the flour over the sausage and veggie mixture and stir to coat, stirring and cooking for 1-2 minutes.
It was wonderful to get outside into the sunshine this week! Taking Oliver for a walk was fantastic! He is still super skittish and hides behind your legs whenever he sees someone walking by😂 although I had some Okay days, even going to a store for 20 minutes, I still had daily naps as the fatigue is something I’ve never dealt with before. Ninja kept a ton of fresh fruits and vegetables cut up in the fridge for snacking throughout the day. I have been on a steady stream of Tylenol/Advil and my tummy gets a little nauseated unless there is some thing besides painkillers in there. On Friday we ordered Mexican from Flambé and it was amazeballs!
Grandma finished SBean’s dress that they sewed together with a matching hat and she cannot wait to wear it this summer! HBear had spirit week and participated in beach day and pyjama day! She’s also been doing crossword puzzles with me to keep my mind sharp! Oliver went in for a nail clipping and a bath and came home smelling and looking so very handsome 😍.
This weekend our favourite brewery closed their doors so Ninja picked up a growler to have while we watched the halftime show at the Super Bowl. Ninja watched the rest of it but I only came for the music! It was phenomenal!
For Valentine’s Day Ninja spoiled me with the most perfect roses I have ever seen and my most favourite chocolates from the artisan chocolate shop downtown, Accent Chocolate! He picked up the Girls some sweet treats as well! Seeing as how I haven’t left the house, I made him a card and put in an online order from my favourite store… Chapters! I got SBean the next novel in her series, HBear got my favourite book from when I was in grade 8 called Tuck Everlasting and Ninja got a California road trip book so we can start “planning” our next vacation!
I am unbelievably thankful for the people I have in my life. My cup it runneth over, I’ll never get my fill ❤️.